5:00am – Kids come in to ask if it is time to go downstairs. I tell them”No, go back to bed.” Kids leave. My husband pretends to sleep. I wish I could learn this technique.
5:02am – Kids are back again. ”Is it morning yet?” I tell them no…. again. Swear under my breath when they leave.
5:04-5:59am: Kids come back 17 more times to see if it is morning yet. My “NO!” is getting increasingly louder and my words of profanity are getting increasingly more sophisticated. My husband still pretends to sleep.
6:00am: Kids return to inform me that it is now 6am and officially morning so can they please go downstairs? I whip off covers with dramatic flair, stomp around like a 5 year old as I put on my slippers then take the kids downstairs. My husband is laying perfectly still. I think he is even holding his breath so as not to give away his position. I “accidentally” slam door as I head downstairs.
6:02am: Kids turn on annoying Disney show and proceed to ignore it while playing on the iPad. I put on tea kettle and hide under a blanket until my caffeine is ready.
6:30am: My hubby wanders down for coffee. ”Don’t you need to make cookies for your mom’s?” S@$#T! I start the oven and get out the mixer. My husband gets on his iPad. Kids proceed to fight over……well, everything. We both ignore them. The boy craps in his pull up. My husband comments on how much he stinks, but makes no move to fix the problem.
6:45am: Kids realize I am peacefully involved in a task and decide they would like to “help”. Kids fight over who gets to lick the spoon. Kids fight over who puts cookie dough on the cookie sheets. The boy starts to eat cookie dough out of bowl. Daughter gets bored and leaves part way through first batch. The boy smells so bad, I have to kick him out of the kitchen.
7:00am: Dad goes into his shop and proceeds to run the table saw. Kids are now in basement with TV blaring. I almost burn the next batch of cookies because I get distracted pinning Thanksgiving activities that I will never do with my kids.
7:30am: Yell down to kids to get dressed. Yaya comes up in a panic because she does not have a Thanksgiving day outfit to wear. Wants to go shopping RIGHT NOW! I inform her only Kmart in NY is open right now. ”Can we go? Is that far?” I give her The Stare.
7:32am: Spend next 20 minutes finding something for her to wear that meets her approval. Tell her to get dressed then realize I forgot the cookies again. Run down to kitchen to put in the next batch.
7:52am: Decide to clean up kitchen. Jam dishwasher to maximum capacity. Throw the rest of the dishes in the sink. Notice the living room looks like hell. Start picking up the living room. Put the blankets in the basket and straighten pictures on wall. Figure now is a great time to put the kids’ new school pictures in the frames. Put the old photos in my office and decide to check facebook. Spend next 10 minutes watching stupid cat video someone posted. Smell something burning. Cookies! S@##$T!!
8:02am: Rescue burnt cookies from the oven. Kids come up to investigate smell. Give them unburnt cookies and soda then send them back downstairs. Dawns on me they are still not dressed. Call them back upstairs.
8:10am: Search through 5 laundry baskets looking for a pair of pants for the boy. Realize most of them are soaking in the basement because they stink like urine. Finally find a pair. Don hazmat suit and proceed to deal with the giant poop in his pullup. Spend the next 10 minutes trying to chip dried poop off the boy’s scrotum as he kicks and screams that I am hurting his penis. His sister is jumping up and down on my bed, naked, and playing “hot crossed buns” on her recorder. Tell her to cut the crap and get dressed. This was meet by “Oooo, you just sweared! You owe a nickel!” Control my urge to flip her the bird.
8:24am: Double bag the toxic pull up and put it in trash. Decide to empty all the wastebaskets upstairs. Notice laundry is overflowing in the hallway. Need another laundry basket so I start to put the clean laundry away. Get all the laundry sorted on bed and realize I don’t really have time to put all this laundry away. Put all the laundry back in the baskets except the one I need for the dirty stuff.
9:00am: Neighbor shows up with Dunkins! Bow to his glory! Send him home with a bag of not-so burnt cookies.
9:30am: Realize I now have less then an hour to get out everyone out the door. Go upstairs to run shower. About to step in and realize I never threw my jeans in dryer. Contemplate if I can make it down through the basement in a towel without getting groped by husband or kids asking for something…..pull out pair of jeans from dirty laundry. Think I can get one more day out of them.
9:32am: Try the shower thing again. Just get undress when husband whips open door. (I swear he has a camera in the bathroom) Mentally make a note to lock door. Husband honks my breasts and leaves. I yell to him “we need to leave by 10:30 to get to the nursing home!” He replies “well, you better get moving then.” Give him the finger before I close the door.
9:34am: Get in shower. Husband is back “to get his shaving stuff”. Realize I forgot to lock door. Hubby gets in an ass grab for good measure before leaving.
9:40am: Get out of shower and get dressed. Husband knocks on door. I remembered to lock it. Husband comes in to take a shower while I dry my hair.
9:42am: Realize drying your hair while someone gropes your boobs is near impossible so I give up and put my hair in a clip. I give my husband’s junk a honk as payback. Realize that was not the smartest thing to do. Escape the bathroom quickly.
10:00am: Down to the basement to check on kids. Tell kids to get shoes and socks on. Kids ignore me. Dad is done in shower.
10:15am: The boy comes into room crying because Dad yelled at him for peeing his pants. I search for more pants. Finally find a pair in the bottom of a basket.
10:25 Get the boy calm enough to get him undressed. Put new pants on. Tell him to get socks and shoes on…..again.
10:28am: Actually making good time. Go out to pack up car. Realize 6′ fake christmas tree I picked up yesterday for Girl Scouts is still in car. Start to unpack tree.
10:30am: Dog escapes as I’m bringing in tree from car. Takes off to visit neighbor walking her dog. Everyone stops to talk with neighbor.
10:43am: Finally get dog in house and family in car.
10:45am: Pulling out of driveway to make the 30 minute drive to nursing home. Hoping Grampy’s dementia will help him forget we were suppose to be there at 11am.
As we head to our destination, I can’t help think about all that I am thankful for…..my kids, my husband, my family and friends. But most of all, I am thankful that in 8 hours, I will be back home, in my comfy pj’s, snacking on well done cookies.
Happy Thanksgiving and Happy Hanukkah from my dysfunctional family to yours!