My House Smells Like Ass

Sign on my front door

Sign on my front door

The other day, my husband and I were out shopping and we walked by a stand selling christmas trees.
Me: Those trees smell awesome.  You know, I don’t smell our tree in the house.  I wonder why?
Hubby: Because our house smells like ass
He is so right!  Our tree doesn’t smell because it is overpowered by the smell of ass.  The main contributor to this phenomenon is my non-potty trained, pull up wearing, going to college in diapers, 4 year old son.  He constantly smells like poop, no matter how much we clean him, and seems to not mind sitting in his own stink for long periods of times.   The result of this is…my house smells like ass.  Constantly.  It also causes me to ask Why?
Why does he refuse to potty train?  Why does he like to smell?  Why do I bother asking if he pooped when I know the answer based on his odor?  Why am I shock when he replies NO every time I ask even though we both know the truth?  Why does a little nugget smell just as horrendous as a full blown poop? Why are pull ups so frigging expensive?  Why does everyone’s poop smell different?
Did you ever notice that or I am crazy?  (about this subject, not in general.  I know that answer!)  Seriously, I can tell who has recently bombed the bathroom by the odor left behind.  I am truly intrigued by this.  So much so I google it and guess what?  It’s true!  Everyone’s poops smells different.  Check out this great article: (Beware: I was so intrigued, I wasted about 40 minutes reading all the other links about poop.  Don’t fall for that trap!)
And while we are on the subject, why does your poop smell so bad to others, but not you?  Same with farts.  Mine are quite fragrant, thank you very much, but my husband’s will peel the paint off the wall and burn your nose hairs.  Of course, he will say it is the other way around. )  I know, so intriguing, right?
Anyway, I digress.  What were we talking about?  Oh yeah, ass.  And my house.  Which smells.  All the time.   We have resorted to lighting candles in all the rooms of the house.  Yet, nothing seems to cut the smell.  We have begun to call my son “Toxic Butt”.  It may sound cruel, but there are so many other things that we do that will drive him to therapy – toxic butt is just the tip of the iceberg.  In case you think we aren’t responsible parents, we did start a bail/therapy fund for both our children when they were born since we were pretty convinced we were going to f$%@ them up.  By the time they are 18, they should have about $315.76…enough for about 45 copays to a mid range therapist.  Bail is a different story, but there is always the house for collateral.
So I digress…again.  (Thanks, ADD!)  Where was I?  Ass smelling house.  Right.  Got it.   I still don’t know how to solve this problem.  More candles?  Lysol scented pull ups?  Family pack of gas masks?  I just don’t know.  Any suggestions would be happily accepted.  Actually, i’d bow at your feet, knight you as royal extinguisher of all stinky things, and invite you to tea.  Yeah, I’d be THAT happy!
As I load my son into the van to head out for the day, it hits me, full force, like a ton of bricks….Flippin A!  Even my VAN smells like ass!

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