I guess it was inevitable. I mean, neither of my kids have ever followed “the rules”. They have always marched to a different beat – hell, they are listening to an entirely different band.
So when I hopped in the car to make the 30 minute drive to the potty clinic, I kind of knew this was the last time I would make this trip.
I suppose having the doctor tells me “this guy is quite the mystery” during our last meeting should have been a red flag, but I was still a tad bit hopeful he had something else up his sleeve for this visit.
I was wrong.
Once in the office, we got down to business. (no pun intended)
Dr G: So how have things been going?
Me: Basically, the same. If I keep on him every 15 minutes, he can be pretty successful, but if I forget or he goes out of my sight, then he has an accident. He was doing pretty good with pooping, but now he is back to have pee and poop accidents. I’m running out of underwear.
Dr. G: Sounds like he’s constipated. He probably needs a clean out.
Me: Again? Why? He was doing so great. Why would he start holding it again?
Dr. G: Because he’s good at it. It’s something he can control. So even if he knows what to do, he still wants to hold it because he can.
Me: Well, at least he’s excelling at something. So now what? Just keep pumping him full of exlax and mirlax?
Dr. G: Start the poop chart again. (groan) If he hasn’t pooped in two days, you make him poop – with exlax. Then keep with the mirlax. When the poop is under control, the pee accidents will go down. And keep with the timer. You’ll probably run into the constipation thing every 3-4weeks.
Me: Seriously? This is exhausting. Can’t I just use a trash bag and duct tape?
After the meeting, we walked to the check out and shook hands.
Dr. G: Well, if you would like another appointment, we can make one, but I think we will just be having a similar conversation.
(Translation. I’ve got nothing. You’re screwed. Good luck! Don’t let the door hit you on the way out.)
There you have it, folks – we had been officially kicked out of Poop Camp. Yay us!
He assured me he was available if I had any more questions or needed a review. I thanked him then the boy and I took our last elevator ride to the parking garage.
I left feeling defeated and sad. I know in my heart that, overall, this is just a small blip in my life and it will be over soon. Doesn’t make it any easier when you’re in the trenches, up to your elbows in shitty underwear, but there is not much I can do. Just keep moving forward.
So I did what had to do – I downloaded a new timer app to my phone and bought a case of Batman underwear then I headed home with my new poop chart, ready to start again.
But I haven’t completely ruled out the trash bag and duct tape…..