Happy Birthday, Daddy…Kind of


It’s my husband’s birthday today.  So of course, the kids wanted to do something special for him.  Actually, I had nothing prepared so I figured I’d convince the kids make cards then at least it would seem like we had our sh#%$^t together.

The Hubs had to work an overnight shift which was perfect since I figured he would sleep in and we would have extra time to get cards made and zip to Dunkins for “breakfast in bed”.

Well, in my head it seemed like the perfect plan….until I had to actually involve the kids.

The boy was up first since his new things is trying to get up before us so he can sneak in extra computer time “on the sly”.  Apparently, he thinks I’m an idiot.  His idea of “sneaking” downstairs is to come in my room (loudly) to check if I am sleeping then bound down the stairs like a graceful elephant.  He also puts his headphones to block the sound, but then proceeds to give a play by play of everything he is doing…loudly, since he cannot hear himself with headphones on.

Once I was up and had some caffeine brewing, I dealt with Operation Fool Mom by shutting off the internet.  Who’s the idiot now?  Of course, all the protesting brought the Teen down in all her morning glory.  You know how cheery those teens are in the morning hours.

After getting everyone fed and medicated, we tackled the business of card making.  Translation: the kids fought for 15 minutes over who had first dibs on the green paper.  

Once we solved the Great Color Paper Debate of 2017, they finally got down to actually making the card.  The Teen wanted to make “the greatest birthday card ever” .  I was unaware that the event would last approximately 30 minutes.  The boy spent equal amount of time drawing every YouTuber he has ever watched on his card.  I made more caffeine.

Now that our marathon card making session was complete, it was time to head to Dunkins.  Of course, no one could find their shoes….

Shoes found.  Teen disappears.  Cannot find her.  She is upstairs dressing her baby doll and locating its car seat for the trip.

Ok, we are in the car.  Baby is in her car seat.  Everyone has their shoes. To save some time, I decide to use On The Go so our order will be ready when we get to Dunkins.  Place the order.  Realize its to the wrong Dunkins.  Cancel order.  Re order at the right Dunkins.  Finally leave the driveway.

We arrive at Dunkins and the kids spend 5 minutes deciding if they actually want to get out and go in or stay in the car.  I leave them.  Kids scramble out of the car in disgusts that I left without them.  Our order is not ready so the kids settle in to steal some free wifi while we wait.  Our order comes out just as they get involved in whatever dumb game they are playing this week.  More protesting.  Get back into car and arrive at home with our special “birthday breakfast”.

Get home, rush inside, grab our cards and head upstairs to surprise Daddy…..who is already up and making the bed.

Surprise!  We brought you breakfast in bed!  Well, I guess technically, we brought your breakfast into the bedroom so….it’s close.  It’s the thought that counts, right?

All this fun before 9am!  Who could ask for a better birthday?    Well….probably my husband.

Happy Birthday, Honey.  Better luck next year…..I hope! 




Why my kids don’t have traditions


My kids desperately want traditions… well, at least my daughter does. She will try to make anything into a tradition.  “Remember when we went out for pizza that night it rained really hard?  We should do that every year.”  The boy could care less about traditions.  He just follows along, hoping there is a toy at the end of the journey.

I think traditions are great.  Creating magical memories your kids can remember then pass on down to their kids is such a cool concept to me.   I envy those who flawlessly provide their kids with Kodak moments on a yearly basis.  Honestly, I would really love to have some more creative traditions other than the ones created for me – Christmas, Halloween, etc.  Unfortunately for my children, most traditions involve two things that I lack the necessary skills for – preparation and memory.  Now, its not like we don’t have any traditions, its just that I really suck at following through with them.

In order to have traditions,  you have to remember the traditions…every year.   I barely remember what month I am in, let alone the day so most of the man-made traditions like holidays seem to sneak up on me when I am not looking.  I check the calendar, see I have a few weeks, and then BAM!  Suddenly,  I find myself putting up the Christmas tree so the f&@^$% elf will arrive and I can’t remember where I hid the F@%$#$ elf the year before.  So I’m just about to head to Walmart at 10:45pm to buy a new F%#^$ elf so the kids don’t have to continue therapy into their senior years when I find it wrapped in a dish towel in my sock drawer.  The sock drawer.  WTF?!


Then there is the preparation involved in traditions.  I hate prep work.  I won’t eat tuna because it involves more then two steps.  The idea of opening the can, draining it, breaking it up, adding mayo THEN making a sandwich is mind numbing to me.  Since most of the time I have forgotten to eat and now I am at mach 10 on the hunger scale, my only option is to eat whatever is within reach and has a shelf life of two years. Preparing for holidays is right up there with tuna making – exhausting and most likely not happening.

My attic is filled with decorations for ever holiday known to man.  I could decorate the entire neighborhood for Halloween, Christmas and Easter with the crap up in my attic.  I keep buying stuff hoping that this year will be the year I will get my act together and actually set the stuff up.   Then I turn around and Halloween is tomorrow so it seems pointless to drag seven plastic totes out of the attic to set up a myriad of spooky skeletons for just 24 hours.  This year, I actually bought pumpkins to carve.  One disintegrated into a pile of mush on the railing while the other is still hanging in there.  I put a santa hat on it so it looks like it was all part of the plan.


I would love to give some traditions to my kids that they could pass on to their kids.  Something that bring backs those warm fuzzy feelings of their childhood.  As of now, the most I can give them is a pain in the ass elf who, more often then not, forgets to move, rotten pumpkins in santa hats, and a cache of nerf guns to use for an epic post Christmas day nerf war.   Maybe it will be enough for them.  Who knows.  Or maybe one day, when they are grown, they will realize just how exhausting creating magical memories (and making tuna) can really be. And they too will say “Screw it!”

Happy Holidays





My Peri-Menopausal Self


I turn 47 today which means I am officially sliding down the old age hill towards the half century mark.  On one hand I am one year closer to the 10% senior discount at Dunkins.  On the other, my body isn’t exactly being a team player any more.

Like an old car whose warranty had just expired, when I hit my 40’s, everything seemed to start to fall apart.  You silently pray that old Bessy will keep kicking for just a few more years until you can trade her in.  Unfortunately, there is no trade ins when it comes to life.  You are stuck with the body you took off the lot.  All sales final.

There are a lot of things no one warns you about as you get older. Similar to childbirth, most people are reluctant to tell you the gory details for fear of causing you to gouge your eyes out and run screaming from the room or curl in a sobbing ball in the corner of the room.

Fortunately, I am not one of those people.  I will tell you straight out some of the suckass things that happen to you as you climb the hill of old age towards “the Change”.  Hey, misery loves company


Say goodbye to your luscious locks.  Your hair will slowly begin to convert into straw.  Sorry ladies, but no amount of highlights are going to hide those steel like grey hairs that keep popping up on your head.  You will also be blessed with your hair starting to fall out.  I don’t mean an occasionally stray hair.  We are talking shedding like a sheep dog in winter.  I cannot tell you how much hair I find at the bottom of the shower drain after each washing.  I could probably knit a 3 piece suit out of the sh*t.

While your hair is shedding from your head, mysterious hairs will begin to pop out in places you never knew could grow hair and those suckers will be industrial strength.   I have one hair – just one- that keeps growing underneath my chin. I have affectionately named it “splinter” ever since my son commented that poor mommy has a “splinter” in her chin.  In order to get “splinter” to vacate my chin area, I must position myself with a firm grip on my tweezers as I brace my feet against the vanity and pull with all my might.  I believe the feeling is close to having your fingernails ripped off and it brings tears to your eyes.


Ah, those lovely breasts.  Remember how cute and perky they used to be?  You could throw them in a lacy little number and they would stand up at attention.  Two plump melons peeking out of your shirt.  Now, thanks to breastfeeding two kids and gravity, mine look like two dried out tangerines hanging in a panty hose.  Rather than peeking out from the top of the shirt, my cleavage is more in the vicinity of my belt buckle.  Bras are no longer for looks, they are for support so I can give the appearance that my boobs are still up near my chest, not part of my waistline.  Somewhat horrifying is I now wear the same bra that my mother wears because I need the full coverage or those puppies escape out the front when I lean over.   My mom tells me their underwear is super comfy too.  Aaah thanks, but I draw the line at bras.  Im not ready for granny panties…yet.


My “temple” is becoming more like an ancient ruin.   What was once a strong, solid column, providing support and protection, now has begun to show wear and barely keeps me upright some days..  Things have begun to shift and settle.  Where there was once smoothness, now has wrinkles.  Parts of me are spreading outward, mainly my a$$.  Other parts are drooping downward.  Things jiggle when I wave and often creak or snap when I move.

Now, I never really expected for my body to not change as aged, I just thought I would be able to keep it in check a little better.  How stupid was I? Especially after having two kids.  Right there was cause enough for my midriff to go to pot.  Add too many iced coffees and my love of french fries and I’m lucky I’m not confined to a Lark.  These days,my midsection looks more like the Pillsbury doughboy, soft and pasty.  Only difference is, if you poke me in the stomach, I will not giggle.  I’ll punch you in the f@*^%ing face. 🙂


While this subject could fit well under the last section, I felt it need a whole section on its own.  Yeah, its that important.  When my doctor told me after having my second child “Things will never be right down there again”, he was not joking.  I no longer have any control over that area of my body.  It’s like after the second kid, they snipped the important nerve that signals your brain as to how your muscles work.  I can no longer sneeze, laugh, or do a frigging jumping jack, without having to pee.   Even if I just went.  And forget holding it.  That’s freaking torture.  As soon as I see a toilet, my muscles start to fail and I am jumping around like a stripper with a wardrobe malfunction trying to get my zipper down.   I used to make fun of my mother for having to use the bathroom every 5 minutes.  Now we are racing each other to the first open stall.  First the bras, now the bladder.  I am not sure what to expect next.


I go to bed freezing my ass off but peel off the layers as I sweat out of my clothing during the night. My side of the bed is soaking wet and gross, so I scootch over to the husband’s side. This only irritates him with my clamminess, so I end up back in the waterbed area, although we clearly only bought a regular mattress. Now I wake up an hour later and I’m shivering because I am freaking freezing again. Don’t worry – this cycle will repeat itself after I find something else dry and warm to put on


So remember when you were first waiting for your period and you had to be prepared at all times because you just never knew when it could possibly just arrive? This is just what peri-menopause is like. Some months, I have my period 3 weeks out of the month. Some months go by and nothing happens at all. Tracking? This is a waste of time. It just shows up whenever it decides to, stays on a while, maybe goes away and comes back next week. It’s like seasonal coffees at D&D… you never know when they are coming and/or going away.

Moral is: don’t leave home without your supplies.

Or in white pants.

I can’t be too upset though.  My body may have some wear, but it still manages to get up everyday and get me to Dunkins.  As long as I have some caffeine and a boatload of Depends, I guess I’ll hang on to the old girl.  We’ve been through so much.  And if the other side of 50 is as much fun as the hills of 40, then I pretty sure I am in for a wild ride.

I just hope the ride doesn’t involve a Lark…or do I? 🙂


PS  I must give a shout out to my dear pal, Cindy, who helped me with late night editing and her funny addition about night sweats and periods.  I swear we share the same brain…which explains a lot.  I love you and your saggy uterus with all my heart. 🙂

Five Reasons Everyone Should have an ADHD Friend

1958452_10204703030489229_5528013608169813191_nWe all have a circle of friends that we rely on.  Your support group.  The friends you hang out with and laugh till you cry.  The friends you vent to or seek out when you’re having a bad day.   I call these friends “the A list”.     The list is usually short, but although small in quantity, it is rich in quality.

I am sure just as your group of friends is rich in quality, it is probably also rich in diversity.  While most friends have similar personalities and things in common that draw them into that friendship, it is our differences that add the spark to the relationship.  That is why every circle of friends need at least one ADHDer in their group.  Let me tell you why.

 1. We are very entertaining

One of the best qualities of an ADHDer is our sense of humor.  We love to laugh – at ourselves, at the world, at life in general.  We love to make people laugh and love it when people make us laugh.  If you have a party, an ADHD friend should be first on the list.  We will talk to anyone who will listen. We’ll talk even if no one is listening.  We make great ice breakers.  Cousin Joe in from town and knows nobody?   We’ll make him feel right at home.   We are the ones at the party with the bucket on our head and the first in line for the Conga.  We love to feel happy and we want everyone around us to feel happy too.  We will make it our personal mission that you have a good time in whatever situation you are in with us.


2.  We are good in a crisis

A crisis is all about spontaneity, adeline rush, and chaos.  Everything we ADHDers thrive on.  When the chips are down, we are at our best.  It does not have to be a big crisis.  Any crisis will do.  Car breaks down and you need a ride? You have to bring 450 cupcakes to a fundraiser by tomorrow at 8am?  We’ve got your back.  We aren’t wishing for anything bad to happen, but when it does, your ADHD friend will be the first one there to help. We think outside the box and come up with a plan most would never consider. You can rest easy when we are on the job.  It will all fall into place.

3.  We love a good project

Routines are boring.  Most daily living activities are boring so if you have a project you need help on, we ADHD friends are where to look.  We welcome anything that will distract us from doing the boring things in life – cleaning, food shopping, laundry…we will take any excuse to avoid the mundane.  Need your living room painted the day before Thanksgiving?  We’ll help.  Moving furniture or digging a ditch for a new swimming pool?  Totally into that!  Projects are thrilling and exciting. Our super hyper focus abilities means we will not stop until the project is complete.  Projects let us work with our hands and be around people we love.  What more can you ask for?


4.  We rarely sleep

Up at 3am and need someone to talk to?  Want company on Black Friday or standing in line all night for concert tickets?  We are the people to call.  We hardly ever sleep and when we do, it’s for small periods of time so chances are we are up and looking for something to do.  We are great listeners and we hardly ever gossip since we usually forget the conversation once you are out of sight.  We will keep you company at night when your kid is up all night with the croup.  We are the ones to call at 5am when your sitter bailed and you need someone to get your kids to school so you won’t be late for work.  Give us a chaotic situation and we will be happier then a swine in sh@$t”.  (That’s a Nana quote)

5.  We are game for anything

Going on an adventure?  Please take us along!  We love adventures.  No idea is too crazy for us ADHDers.   We love all things novel and shiny and bright so excursions are a world of excitement and wonder for us.  Whether you are taking a random road trip to NYC to see a play or stalking your favorite celebrity outside his hotel dressing room, you can bet we will be right there by your side.  Be careful though.  We do have a tendency to go too far so make sure you can rein us in or at least have bail money for us.

After reading this, I am sure you are just itching to go out and find yourself an ADHD friend.  In all fairness, I must point out the fine print that comes along with an ADHD friend.  We’re not known for having a very good filter and we have some impulse issues so we often say or do things that can hurt another person.  When we go to far with a joke or we stick our foot in our mouths, please don’t think we meant to hurt you.  We didn’t.   Our brains are moving so fast that things come flying out before our brains can figure out what we said was wrong.  Believe me, we do figure it out.  When we do, we will be crushed at causing you pain.  We are very sorry so please forgive our momentary lap in judgement.

Our compassion, loyalty, and generosity run incredible deep.  We are prone to gigantic highs and crushing lows.   We can run through more emotions in 20 seconds then most people feel in a week.  We feel all emotions so deeply which is why (I believe) we can have such deep empathy for all people.  So don’t take our mood swings personally.  Most of the time our moods have nothing to do with you.  The good thing is our moods are like New England weather, they change every 15 minutes.  If you wait a moment, we will probably come back around.

We are obnoxious, loud and exhausting, but we are also fiercely loyal, tremendously generous with our time and our love, and we can always find the sun through the clouds.

So you are probably wondering how you find an ADHD friend.  It is really not that hard.  Just look for the adult who is rolling down the hill with the kids or throwing herself down the inflatable slide at the Fun Zone.  There’s a pretty good chance that’s one of us. If you jump on the slide and ask to race us, you will be taken into our fold with a booming hello.  Then just hold on and enjoy the ride!



If A Parent Speaks in the Kitchen and Children are There, Does Anyone Hear What is Said?

Blah Blah Blah

About 90% of the things that come out of my mouth are a waste of time.  Why?  Because most of the time my words are never heard.  Whether I am speaking to my kids, my husband, or even my dog, the words coming out of my mouth often never reach my intended target.  It’s almost like I never spoke at all.


Recently, my kids and I were gathered in the kitchen for our morning medication routine.  After giving my kids their downers and popping my uppers, I decided things were going well enough to broach the subject of dinner.


I know – big mistake.  A) I should NEVER ask an opinion on dinner.  It always leads nowhere and ends with me pissed off with a headache.  And 2) Don’t ask about something that is more than 5 minutes into the future.  It’s a lost cause.  They’ll never remember the conversation and I am then badgered for the next 7 hours about what’s for dinner.


But on this fine day, I broke my rules.  The following that occurred is true.  Only the names have been changed for no real reason.


Me:  Hey guys, listen up.  Hey, guys, look at me…look at me. (touching each kid’s shoulder)    I have to ask you something.  You listening?  Everyone?


Them:  Yes.  (briefly making eye contact)


Me:  I was going to make kielbasa and rice tonight, but we had chicken and rice last night.  Do you want kielbasa or grilled cheese instead.


Now I know that is a long sentence and a lot of information followed by a choice, which throws my kids.  This was evident since by the time I said “kielbasa” the first time, the boy had gone back to playing with his lego figure and my daughter had turn to her brother and started an entirely different conversation with him, essentially talking over me.


Me:  Hey!  Hello?  I just asked you a question.  Did you hear me at all?


Yaya:  Yes. Of course!


Me; What did I say?


Yaya: ( blank stare)  Umm.  You said brush your hair and your teeth.


Me:  That was a half an hour ago.


Yaya: Oh.

Me:  (to the boy)  What about you?


The boy:  Umm, well, I don’t know because I can’t read yet.


Me:  Seriously?  I asked you a question.  I didn’t write anything down.  There was nothing to read.


The boy:  Oh.  Well, I don’t know because ummm,you know, I can’t talk so I, ummm, I don’t remember.




Me:  I asked about din…


Yaya:  Grilled Cheese!  I want grilled cheese!


Me:  Oooo-k.  That good with you, dude?


The boy:  No.  I want a hot dog.  And I want it shaped like a squid.


Yaya:  Oh me too! Can I have a squid hotdog?


Me:   Sure.  How about hot dogs with mac and cheese?


The boy:  Wait.  I want mine to look like a human instead.


Yaya:  A human?  That’s gross!  I still want a squid.


The boy:  No wait!  Can you make mine into a creeper?  That what I want!


Yaya:  Oooo!  I want an Enderman hot dog!


Me:  I’ll make it into the Statue of Liberty if we can just stop this conversation.


Great. Now I have a headache.



The Day My Last Brain Cell Died


Poor little guy....

Poor little guy….

It was actually uneventful really.  No fanfare, no pomp and circumstance, no bright lights or flashes of color.  It kind of just slowly dimmed until at last, it blinked out, like an old incandescent light bulb.  I expected it to happen really.  They say when you become a parent, your brain cells slowly start to die.  And if you are a stay at home mom…well, forget about it.  Those suckers practically fall out as quick as my peri menopausal hair.  Long days of singing “itsy bitsy spider” four hundred times, speaking in monosyllabic sentences, fielding incessant questions beginning with “why?” along with chicken nuggets and fries as my only nutrition…it was bound to happen.  Inevitable even.  In fact, I am surprised my brain lasted me this long.

My Brain

My Brain

My Brain as Parent

My Brain as a Parent


Oh, I tried to fight it.  I did crossword puzzles, played Luminosity every morning, and used big words like fastidious and paradoxical and h’orderves .  But it was no use.  Years of getting my news in 15 minutes snippits and learning just enough about a subject to get by had taken it’s toll.  The thing was on it’s last leg.


The day started as any ordinary day.  After conducting our normal 4 hour morning routine, it was now 8:30am and we were ready to hit the stores for some errands.  My ladies at Dunkins had my order ready to go when I walked in.  The future look bright as we headed to our first stop….the pharmacy.


Had to get the kids ADHD medication filled.  It was then that I realized something….nowhere in our morning routine today did I actually give my kids their medicine.  This became apparent as I stood at the counter while my daughter launched herself up and down like a kangaroo on crack while rapidly firing questions at the clerk. All the while, the boy was behind me, practicing his ninja moves on the reading glasses display.  I was impressed by the durability of the display as well as his moves.  I quickly debated on going home to get the meds, but decided to forge on.


As we were leaving my daughter informs me her “thighs” hurt then she points to her calf muscle.


Me: Those are called calves.

Her: Like a baby cow?

Me: Yes

Her: Well then my cows are hurting.


This was followed by hysterical laughter…. and then the mooing began.  The boy, of course, happily joined in, having no clue why he was mooing.  They continued the Laurel and Hardy routine – “my cows are hurting”  “MOOOO!!!” – as we drove to our next stop.  I threatened to drop them off at the closest slaughterhouse.


Now that the mooing was squashed, we hit Walmart.  There is usually never any good that comes out of a trip to Walmart.  Today was no exception.  I had a return to do and need 3 things.  My daughter announced that she can no longer walk because her “cows” hurt too much.  More mooing.  I ended up putting them both in one of those mack truck carriage that weigh 400 lbs and has no steering ability.  We headed to Customer Service to stand in line, because at Walmart, there is always only one person working the register.  I realized I left my receipt in the car.  Briefly debated on leaving the kids at the service counter, but thought better of it.  I might not come back.  So I pushed the big ass cart back to my car, found the receipt and pushed the cart back to customer service.  Return done, we grabbed the 3 things I needed and 97 things I didn’t and got the hell out of there.


I needed to make an exchange at the next store, but realized I forgot the exchange item.  Being one exit from home, I decided to shoot back, take a pee break, grab the bag and head out again.  Screeched into the driveway, grabbed the bag, ran in to pee and got back in the car.  As I opened the door, the dog jumped into the back seat.  The kids started screaming, the dog ran all the way to the back of the van and wouldn’t come out.  F$@%k it.  You’re coming with us now, a-hole.


Halfway to the store it hit me.  I left the f(*&*ing bag at the house!  AGAIN!


And that is when it happened….that poor little brain cell, hanging by it’s nails to my gray matter, finally gave out and let go, falling slowly, silently screaming as it died in my head. Poof! It was over in a matter of seconds.


Strangely, I don’t feel any different now then when I had a brain.  Maybe I never really need it in the first place.   I always considered myself as a somewhat intelligent person, but maybe I never was.


I am not sure what life holds for me going forward without a brain.  I am hoping I just roll along through life, blissfully ignorant to the world around me.  If that is the case then you might just see me riding around in my van, filled with the delightful sounds of mooing….and it may be me whose leading the chorus.


Peace and Moos



As Straight As The Crow Flies…If it was drunk

Crow at the Beach
Whoever came up with the saying “as straight as the crow flies” never met my children. My kids have not caught on that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line.  When it comes to getting from point A to point B, my kids will start at A, get distracted by a floating dust speck and veer off towards C, get captivated by a rainbow at point Q, follow the rainbow to point  Z, forget what letter they were going towards in the first place and go back to A to start again, only to see that flipping dust speck again. Continue reading

ADHD….The Gift That Keeps On Giving

So since Jen had to go and get all serious with her sappy post and since I am in no way a competitive person, I decided I should top her post with my own serious take on life.

When you become pregnant for the first time, you can’t help but imagine what you child will be like or what kind of parent you will be.  It’s only natural.  When I was pregnant with my daughter, I thought about this often and wondered…what would she look like?..what would her little voice sound like?…what type of personality would she have?  But there is also that fear in the back of your mind…what if something is wrong with my child?  Those thoughts are the ones you push back and try not to let creep up front.  I once asked my husband what we would do if our child had a problem, a special need or disability.  He answered “we’d deal with it.”   Just that simple.  At the time, I don’t think either of us really thought we’d actually ever have to do just that. Continue reading